Have you ever been in a conversation where you realize the other person isn’t really listening? Or worse—where you catch yourself thinking about your response instead of truly hearing them?
This is a pervasive problem in our world, and in our workplaces – we talk too much and listen way too little. And even when we appear to be listening – are we? Or are we just hearing, which to me, is a different thing. Hearing involves the ear, and of course the brain. Listening, deep listening requires us to be fully present to whoever or whatever we are listening to, and that means that our other senses are fully engaged. I used to tell my children when they were little:
“God gave us 2 ears and 1 mouth for a reason” “It’s to listen twice as much as we talk”.
In jest, I often repeat this story in my corporate workshops, when it seems the opposite is taking place – twice as much talking as listening. It gets a chuckle, and some quietening down for awhile. But the problem of listening remains, because we have gotten into the habit of not listening – and frankly, talking too much.
At the start of their 6-month coaching programme, my clients and I agree on 3 or 4 goals for the programme. This provides focus and guidance for them to adopt new behaviours that will transform their leadership in the way that they desire. These goals are important to me as they provide a clear intention to which I hold them accountable. Interestingly, but no surprise at all, at least 70% of my coaching clients set a goal around improving their listening. Constantly on the lookout for resources to help them build their listening “muscle”, I recently came upon a talk by Haku, a Buddhist Monk from Japan in which he speaks to the practice of deep listening.
He points out that:
- We hear words, but we do not truly listen, due to the distractions in our busy world, and in our busy minds.
- Deep listening is the practice of being fully present – listening to emotions, pauses, space, silence, with your whole being.
- Silence and presence are super important. “Silence is not empty” he says. Whilst it’s the absence of sound, more importantly, it’s the presence of awareness.
- Deep listening is not about doing more, it’s about being more
- “When we listen deeply, we put aside our ego”. Our egos get in the way – when we are listening, we need to let go of the need to be right and to be in control.
- True listening is an art, which means it takes practice, trial and error throughout our entire lives. We never get to perfection in listening, just better.
Monk Haku shares simple (but not easy) steps for us to practice to improve our ability to listen deeply. The practice of deep listening needs us to be patient and aware. It begins with setting your intention BEFORE a conversation: “I am here to listen”, and then slowing down to patiently give space to the other person to complete their thoughts. Notice how these simple steps change the interaction.
Fundamentally, Monk Haku concludes, deep listening is about relationships with others, and ourselves:
“When you listen deeply to others, you also learn to listen to yourself”
If you really are committed to improving your listening, watch his video and start the practice right away:
For more on the power of silence in leadership, check out my blog post: Silence: A Valuable Tool for Leaders, where I explore how intentional pauses can transform conversations.
