Silence is a spiritual practice of most religions. It is exhorted as a place to go, a state of being where one taps into inner wisdom. Those who regularly practice silence can attest to how calming and life-affirming it is. My morning moments of silence are a key determinant of the quality of my day. I always feel better when I emerge from the silence. Yet, in the hurly-burly, breakneck speed of business silence does not seem to be similarly viewed.
The voice is valued since opinions matter. Everyone wants to know what we think. Our silence may suggest that we have nothing to say, no point of view or position to stand for and so we worry that others might conclude that we add little value. In meetings silence is space to be filled very quickly. As a workshop facilitator, I have observed silence intercepted by someone raising a topic totally unrelated to the discussion thread just to fill the gap. I have had CEOs express concern that “so-and-so” did not speak, even though I observed him or her actively listening and participating. And perhaps you have a team member who says very little, except that every now and then, she shares a few words that turn out to be very well-timed wisdom.
Is it time to rethink silence? Can we use silence in a positive way? Can it be of value to leaders and their teams? Based on my own experience of silence and of using it consciously, I believe that it can be a very powerful tool for communication and can be used very effectively by leaders as it:
- Allows us to truly listen. We cannot listen if we are speaking. And we cannot truly listen if we are not talking but thinking about the next thing we plan to say. Choosing to be silent means that we focus totally on what the other person is saying. When they are finished, we remain silent before composing our response, if any is needed.
- Garners wider participation. Often when we choose to be silent, someone else will fill the space thus allowing for the participation of others in your team. Someone will always break the silence, and it does not have to be you.
- Allows you to gather your composure in difficult situations. Silence gives you space and time to choose your words carefully and then make a response from a place of power.
Surfaces the unspoken. Often, the words we speak and our body language are out of sync, causing confusion and distrust. Silencing our voice may actually clarify our message. - Our bodies can still convey leadership; for example by standing or sitting straight and making eye contact we convey that our silent voice is not an indicator of weakness, but of great strength.
Which is something a coachee recently asked me: “Isn’t silence a sign of weakness?” We were discussing a difficult meeting he had with his peers, who had pummelled him with questions for which he was unprepared. On reflection, he was very dissatisfied with his response which he felt came across as being defensive. We were probing options for how he could have better responded. I had suggested that one choice was to keep silent. We also discussed the difference between conscious silence, and bottling things up. I have another coaching client who regularly declares that her defence mechanism is to simply to shut up, lest she says something that she later regrets. I have been working with her to distinguish the difference between being silent and shutting up. Shutting up leads to important things not being said, and harms the person bottling things up, and the other person. For they have no idea what you are thinking or feeling, nor the impact they are having on you – save for your stony silence. They are left to figure it out which can often lead to misinterpretation, misunderstanding and further discord.
Many years ago I attended a talk by Dadi Jankee, the spiritual leader of the Brahma Kumaris. I will never forget her words:
Speak sweetly
Speak softly
Speak less
Thoughtful use of silence by leaders can create workplaces of harmony.
“The silence between the notes is what creates the music”.
(By the way, did you realize that the words “SILENT” and “LISTEN” have the same letters?)
Very useful information, particularly the need to respect silence. Silence in online meetings can be especially problematic, we don’t know if the person has left, or dropped, or is disengaged. Occasional prompts can be helpful then, such as reactions, or messages in the chat.
I will keep these words close: Speak sweetly, speak softly, speak less. Thank you.
Thanks Julie. You make a great point about silence in online meetings. It’s quite unnerving, particularly if you cannot see the person. As a facilitator, I sometimes have to hold silence in such a situation, knowing that someone will eventually fill it (they do). It takes a lot to do this, and it’s not comfortable.
Gratefully and joyfully
Marguerite