Self-care.
The phrase has become a mantra in our lives, a constant reminder that we need to carve out time for ourselves in an increasingly busy world. It’s on mugs, T-shirts, and social media feeds everywhere. There’s no doubt that the core message is valuable: you can’t pour from an empty cup. I am the first to advocate for self-care. I practice it in my life, and have done so for years, following the example of my beautiful mother who was a self-care queen. And it’s one of the first things I discuss in my coaching and leadership programmes. I believe that self-care is indispensable in being more joyful in all aspects of our lives.
But I wonder if, as with any well-meaning trend, the relentless emphasis on self-care may be having unintended consequences? Could it sometimes cause more harm than good, drowning us in the pressure to prioritize “me time”? Might it even contribute to the problem it’s trying to solve – STRESS?
Here are a few of my thoughts on the “dark side” of our obsession with self-care:
1. ONE MORE “MUST” ON OUR TO-DO LIST:
We are deluged with exhortations to take care of ourselves. But there’s a danger that it morphs from an act of love to an item on a to-do list. Ironically, what was meant to be a form of release and rejuvenation has, for many, become yet another source of pressure. The social media images of spa days, yoga retreats, and perfectly organized meal preps can make people feel that they’re failing if their own version of self-care doesn’t look as picture-perfect.
The constant reminder to prioritize self-care can lead to guilt and feelings of inadequacy when we fall short. We are all already juggling work, family, and other responsibilities, so the added task of “taking care of yourself” can feel like one more thing we must be doing, and yet another area where we are not measuring up.
2. DISCONNECTION FROM OTHERS:
Another unintended effect of the self-care movement is the possibility of it promoting a hyper-focus on the self, sometimes to the detriment of relationships and community. Yes, we do need to put our own oxygen mask on first. But an obsession with self-care could lead to neglecting the needs of others. This hyper-individualism can create an underlying loneliness or disconnection. Human beings thrive in community – we need each other. Acts of service, collaboration, and shared goals all contribute to joy and fulfilment. If self-care tips the scale too far, we risk losing the balance between personal care and social connection.
3. NEGATIVE EMOTIONS:
Exhortations for self-care can also stir up unexpected emotions like shame, inadequacy, and even resentment. When we don’t meet the “self-care standards” paraded on social media, it can feel like a personal failing. We may wonder why we’re not experiencing the same level of relaxation or enlightenment as others seem to achieve. This comparison can lead to feelings of inadequacy, as though we’re somehow not doing life right.
Further, for those in difficult life circumstances—like caregivers or those in financial distress—self-care may feel unattainable or out of reach, breeding resentment. “How am I supposed to focus on self-care when I can barely pay rent?” It becomes a symbol of privilege, creating a divide between those who can “afford” self-care and those who cannot.
3 ways to avoid the dark side of self-care:
So, what’s the antidote to the pressure self-care can create? Actually, it’s not self-care itself that’s the problem, but the way we are bombarded with it. A few suggestions:
- Think about how you feel about self-care. Sit for a few moments – are there are negative emotions surfacing? Has it become an item on your to-do list, that makes you groan rather than enlivening you?
- Avoid comparing yourself to others, particularly how you see them on social media. Scroll past quickly, or better yet, limit your social media usage. The less you see the better. Take a break from posting about your own self-care, so that you don’t get into a one-upmanship game. Just do it, quietly. And remember: comparison is the thief of joy.
- Think about what self-care means to you, what you can afford, and what serves you in this stage of your life. Tune in to what you need in the moment, knowing that it can look different from day to day. Some days, it might be a workout or a healthy meal, and other days, it might just be taking a deep breath between meetings. Whatever it is, be grateful for what you did, and release self-judgement about what you didn’t do to care for yourself on that day
At its heart, self-care should not be another form of stress and angst. When we focus on how we feel rather than how self-care should look, we release the pressure on ourselves and find more peace.
