Silence – a valuable tool for leaders
“But isn’t silence a sign of weakness?” my coachee asked. We were discussing a difficult meeting he had with his peers, who had pummeled him with questions for which he was unprepared. On reflection, he was very dissatisfied with his response which he felt came across as being defensive. We were exploring options for how he could have better responded. I suggested one choice was to keep silent.
Silence is a spiritual practice of most religions. It is exhorted as a place to go, a state of being where one taps into inner wisdom. Those who regularly practice silence can attest to how calming and life-affirming it is. We always feel better when we emerge from the silence. Yet, in the hurly-burly, breakneck speed of business silence does not seem to be similarly viewed.
The voice is valued since opinions are what matter. Our silence may suggest that we have nothing to say, no point of view or position to stand for and so we worry that others might conclude that we add little value. In meetings silence seems to be space to be filled very quickly. As a workshop facilitator, I have observed silence intercepted by someone raising a topic totally unrelated to the discussion thread just to fill the gap. I have had CEOs express concern that “so-and-so” did not speak, even though I observed him actively listening and participating. And perhaps you have a team member who says very little, except that every now and then, she shares a few words that turn out to be very well-timed wisdom.
Is it time to rethink silence? Can we use silence in a positive way? Can it be of value to leaders and their teams? Based on my own experience of silence and of using it consciously, I believe that it can be a very powerful tool for communication and can be used very effectively by leaders as it:
- Allows us to truly listen. We cannot listen if we are speaking. And we cannot truly listen if we are not talking but thinking about the next thing we plan to say. Choosing to be silent means that we focus totally on what the other person is saying. When they are finished, we remain silent before composing our response, if any is needed.
- Garners wider participation. Often when we choose to be silent, someone else will fill the space thus allowing for the participation of others in your team. Someone will always break the silence, and it does not have to be you.
- Allows you to gather your composure in difficult situations. Silence gives you space and time to choose your words carefully and then make a response from a place of power.
- Surfaces the unspoken. Often, the words we speak and our body language are out of sync, causing confusion and distrust. Silencing our voice may actually clarify our message. Our bodies can still convey leadership; for example by standing or sitting straight and making eye contact we convey that our silent voice is not an indicator of weakness, but of great strength.
“The silence between the notes is what creates the music”. Thoughtful use of silence by leaders can create workplaces of harmony.
(By the way, did you realize that the words “SILENT” and “LISTEN” have the same letters?)
TAKE ONE ACTION
Be silent. When someone speaks, resist the temptation to respond immediately, and take a moment of silence firstly to listen and then to respond, but only if necessary. Notice the response.
INTERESTING LINKS
Being silent allows you to hear and listen to the “voices inside your head”, which is the first step to managing them. You have to hear them first.
– click to view article
Many years ago I happened upon this article that relates 5 parables about leadership (and life). I recalled them as I was writing the above article on silence. Read them and you will see why:
– click to view article
Take 90 seconds to view Tony Robbins speaking on “The Art of Fulfillment”:
– click to view video
So true. This is a lesson that I have been trying to put into practice for some time. Silence generally makes me very uncomfortable but a knee jerk inclination to fill silence can indeed lead to miscommunication through an abundance of unnecessary words. I always admire those who listen in silence and speak from a place of wisdom. I think that’s the best balance as complete silence is not such a good thing either.
Thank you for your comments Sarah. You are right about complete silence, if you have something of value to say. It is good to pause, be silent and then DECIDE whether to continue being silent or to speak.
Blessings in abundance
Marguerite
This article came at the best time!
I have been trying to practice the art of silence and to embrace the gift of listening. Funny enough, as simple as it sounds, it’s very difficult thing to do!
I find the more I try the louder my thoughts become and that doesn’t help when you are trying to concentrate on listening and understanding the person speaking. I think a workshop on silence is definitely needed… Smile.
Keep practicing Abbey, because you are so right – it’s really difficult!
Blessings
Marguerite
When I am in meetings, I love to observe people because communication is mostly non-verbal. This unfortunately comes across, according to my manager, as non-participation on my part. In my annual review he actually told me I needed to speak up more!
I had to help him to understand me in that I am comfortable in being silent until I have something I think is worthwhile to contribute or share. Over time he came to understand and appreciate me being silent, because he learned that when I do contribute it almost always make him look good as the head of the department.
Eve
Valuable lesson Eve.
Yes, there is a lot of pressure at the workplace to talk. Indeed, hot air blowers are often those rewarded. Kudos to you for speaking up about what your silence means. You are blessed with a wonderful manager who is willing to understand and accept his reports.
Blessings
Marguerite