I really wanted to do it.
In late April, I was invited to present at a Strategy Conference in June. I immediately said “yes” and blocked the dates in my calendar. I love strategy, having spent years studying, developing, implementing, and facilitating it in a range of organizations in the private, public, and not-for-profit sectors. Plus, post-pandemic, I have some new thoughts about strategic planning that I wanted to share. And I had great respect for the organizers, having presented at a previous conference hosted by them. I was all in.
Problem was – between my “yes” and the conference, I had a 2-week vacation in Peru, a week-long work visit to Jamaica to facilitate strategic renewal for a long-time client, and my HBS Class Reunion in Boston. I knew all that then, but I really wanted to do this presentation.
Last Wednesday, as I packed for my departure to Boston the next day, I made a very difficult decision – to change my “yes” to “no”. I emailed the organizers to express my apologies and deep regret at withdrawing from the conference at this late stage. I felt nervous and disappointed in myself, mostly for letting them down, but I also felt the weight lifting, and a lightness in my being as I came to terms with what continuing with my “yes” would really mean.
The price I would pay for my “Yes” included:
- Loss of sleep. I would have to burn the midnight oil for a few nights to get my recorded presentation submitted to them by Saturday, their final deadline that they had so graciously extended for me.
- A presentation that was not up to my standard. My thoughts had not yet coalesced into a coherent presentation, and they would be unlikely to do so if I were sleep deprived.
- Not being able to fully participate in and enjoy my reunion.
I knew I was out of integrity – I had made a commitment and I was not keeping it. I had broken my promise.
Does this scenario sound familiar? In order to climb the ladder of success, to expand our profile and to grow our leadership, we are urged to say “yes” to opportunities that stretch us. But sometimes they stretch us too far – to a point that is detrimental to our own wellbeing.
On reflection, there are 5 lessons that I will heed moving forward:
- Put space between whatever you are asked to do, and your response. In my case, I should have said “I will get back to you”.
- Be aware of your default response – mine is typically “yes”; for others, it’s “no”. Know what makes you likely to respond the way you do: what are your underlying values, beliefs, and assumptions? What experiences have validated your usual response? Are these still valid? How well are they working for you?
- Remember that saying “Yes” to something, means you are saying “No” to other things (and vice versa). Explore the opposite of your default. Had I done so, I would have seen that there would be many advantages of my saying “No. Not this time”, the main one being the integrity of my word.
- Tune into the signals you are getting from your body, emotions, and mental state. Had I heeded the feelings of overwhelm, the tension in my body and the lack of mental clarity every time I sat down to work on my presentation, I would have been able to take corrective action sooner.
- Finally, know that whatever decision you have made, you can choose to change it.
As I process my feelings about this situation, I take heart from this quote by Neale Donald Walsch:
“Disappointment is temporary. Only your thought about it is permanent. Change your mind about what has disappointed you and you will change your life.”
There will always be opportunities. We do not have to say “Yes” to every one that comes our way. We have full power and ability to choose.
