“You see what I have to deal with”? my coaching client would ask throughout our early coaching sessions. Then followed a cascade of complaints about this or that team member – and I say “team” very lightly, as the people who reported to him hardly functioned as a team. How could they, I wondered, if she was so critical of them, and complained so much.
At its core, a complaint is an expression of discontent or dissatisfaction about a situation, person, or process. It’s a way for us to communicate our grievances and seek resolution. In that way, complaining is a good thing. However, when complaints become habitual and without resolution, they erode morale, undermine teamwork and hinder productivity and performance.
Complaints steal joy.
“Complaining not only ruins everybody else’s day, it ruins the complainer’s day, too. The more we complain, the more unhappy we get” – Dennis Prager
So why do we complain? Complaints often stem from unmet expectations, perceived injustices, or a lack of control over a situation. Further, workplace stress, poor communication, and unresolved conflicts can fuel the urge to complain. Individuals may even resort to complaining as a coping mechanism, seeking validation or sympathy from others. There’s comfort in the complaint.
The impact of complaining extends beyond the individual. Constant negativity creates a toxic work environment, breeding resentment and demotivation among team members. Productivity suffers as energy that could be directed towards problem-solving is instead consumed by venting frustrations. Moreover, chronic complaining can damage relationships, by eroding trust and camaraderie within teams. When you see situations like this in your workplace, stop and take a look at yourself. Could this be a reflection of your leadership? For when leaders themselves engage in constant, unabated complaining, it sets a detrimental example for the rest of the team.
When next you find yourself complaining about a team member, STOP and:
- Reflect on your own behaviour: Remember that when you point a finger at someone, there are three fingers pointing back at you. Ask yourself why you are complaining, what role you have played in the situation and how you can change. Journaling is particularly helpful in self-reflection – at the end of each day, note who or what you complained about and answer the questions above.
“The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely the one who dropped it” – Lou Holz - Practice Empathy and Understanding: Instead of resorting to criticism, seek to understand the challenges from their point of view. How would you feel and act if you were in their situation? This may require you to have conversations where you practice deep listening and compassion, so that you don’t project your own beliefs into the situation. Open and accept others’ feelings and perspectives – they are not wrong: they just are.
“When you show deep empathy toward others, their defensive energy goes down, and positive energy replaces it. That’s when you can get more creative in solving problems” – Stephen Covey - Focus on Solutions: Rather than dwelling on problems or assigning blame, focus on finding solutions to address issues. View a complaint as an invitation to solve a problem. It’s a gift! Invite your team members to help, acknowledging the value of their input.
“When you complain, you make yourself a victim. Leave the situation, change the situation or accept it. All else is madness” – Eckhart Tolle - Encourage Open Communication: Create an environment where team members feel comfortable expressing themselves openly. Schedule regular check-ins and one-on-one meetings to address any issues promptly and proactively. When you hear something that you may not agree with, try not to shut it down – instead, take a moment to thank the person for their contribution. This creates space and a positive platform for discussion and debate.
“We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak” – Epictetus - Celebrate Successes: Acknowledge and celebrate the achievements and contributions of team members, no matter how small. And acknowledge and celebrate your success in reducing your own complaints – if you are journaling regularly, you will notice your improvement. Changing behaviour is never easy. It happens incrementally, so pat yourself on the back for your small wins.
“Celebrate what you want to see more of” – Tom Peters
Complaints in the workplace (or anywhere for that matter) can become toxic if they are not resolved. As the leader, it’s your responsibility to make the change. And don’t wait for tomorrow:
“Catch fire today! Make today the day you stop complaining and do something” -Steve Harvey
