Recently, someone said something to me that I found inexplicable and hurtful. The person accused me of being arrogant and offensive. Now that is not my intention at all of how I intend to live my life. Nor has anyone accused me of that (at least not recently). I was perplexed and I wanted to know what this was all about. Was her statement really true? What was it that had caused her to come to this conclusion about me? What had I said or done? Was I to blame? Was I wrong? Was she right?
Immediately upon completion of our phone call, I got up from my desk and moved to my meditation space. I was so hurt, I was shaking. I had to calm myself before being able to reflect. “Be still and know”. I breathed and sat. This came to me:
“What someone says about you reveals more about them than about you”. From this place, I viewed her statement as dispassionately as I could and realized that what she said was not about me – it was about her. In our conversation, she had revealed that she had an issue with something in which I had not been involved, but was now being invited to play a part. It seemed she was reacting not to me, but to her situation. I relaxed, stress level subsiding. Coming from this realization, I was able to let go of the person and what she said, knowing that it was never about me.
And then the converse revealed itself:
“What I say about someone reveals more about me than about them”.
What I say about someone is my perception, observation or judgement. It is I who I am seeing, interpreting and expressing. I am projecting myself outward to the world for all to see who I am being.
I now feel compassion for this person. I am very, very grateful for the lesson she taught me on that day. With this insight, I do not need to feel hurt when someone says something about me. It is not about me. And more importantly, I need to remember that I reveal much of myself in what I say about others.
This is a good lesson to take to work, as you lead people. You will always find instances of “he said she said” that will cause you or others angst and lead to broken relationships, inefficiency and declines in productivity, a toxic culture and basically, stress. Remembering that it is not about you, helps you to deal with your own emotions and to help others deal with theirs. And most importantly, make sure to watch your own words, as they are an accurate signal of who you are.
Thank you, Marguerite, for another insightful article. I found your article very helpful and timely in helping me cope with a similar situation. As a leader of a company that sells products to the public, we sometimes face negative comments from people. Although often our customer service turns those unhappy people happy again, there are times when the negativity can’t be turned around. In those times, even when we have acted fairly and reasonably, it is helpful to remember your comments that “What someone says about you reveals more about them than about you”.
Thanks for the comment Steve, and for applying it to your customer situations. Yes, sometimes our customers say things that really have very little do do with us – it’s about them, and some issue THEY are going through. Not to let ourselves off the hook as we MUST fix things that we did wrong. But the better we are able to not take it personally, the better we can quickly, easily and with grace, fix the problem.
Gratefully and joyfully
Marguerite
This is very important….if only leaders would also pause and reflect when persons “carry news” to them about other people.
Thank you for the comment. So very true re: leaders. Most important thing though, is to make sure we are not the culprits i.e. that I do not “carry news” and if news is brought to me, that I view it wisely.
Gratefully and joyfully
Marguerite
This was insightful and left me with food for thought. I never quite viewed things this way, and it will now change my outlook in going forward.
Thank you Sandra. Our whole world shifts when we make a mental shift. Look forward to hearing more about what changes happen as a result of your new outlook.
Gratefully and joyfully
Marguerite
Hey Marguerite
Thanks for sharing this. I walked a similar path in recent times and came to the very same conclusion as you did and am now so at peace with the situation, the person and myself.
Can’t say I got there in a a calm meditative way but the important thing is that I got there and I grew from the experience.
Life is beautiful if we choose to see it as such and only what is on our insides can be shown on the outside
Thanks for sharing Marva. You got there – that’s the thing! Congrats and stay peaceful and blessed.
Gratefully and joyfully
Marguerite
Sincerely appreciated this post Marguerite.
I have also learnt to suppress emotional reactions and the bruise to my ego when something negative is said, just as I have worked towards reducing my elation when glowing things are said.
The hardest part though is what you brought up in the second half – Focusing on what you say about others.
I’ve had to warn friends about specific people but keep trying to find ways to do so without being overly negative. It takes work but I’m glad that I’m not the only one trying.
David
Thanks for your comment and your insight .. we are all works-in-progress. I try to discipline myself that whenever I criticise someone, I examine myself to see if I am “guilty” of doing the same. Often I am. We are all teachers of each other, and those that get on our nerves, or hurt us, and usually our greatest teachers. We just have to open to the lessons.
Wishing you and your beautiful family all the very best
Gratefully and joyfully
Marguerite