Get off the Guilt Trip

“I feel so guilty” my client texted me, responding to the sudden illness of one of her team members. She felt she had contributed by giving too many assignments to this very competent and willing member of her team. That happens – we have an excellent team member who is great at what they do, submit quality work on time and are always willing to take on more. “The reward for competent work is more work”, I often muse to my coachees when they complain about overload. I advised my client not to feel guilty, pointing out that whilst leaders must be empathetic to their team, ultimately, people have to take control of their own lives.

STOP feeling guilty? That’s much easier said than done. We are wired for guilt, once we care for others.

A few years ago, I attended a seminar at which Sonia Choquette was a featured speaker. At the conclusion, I headed straight for the bookstore and bought her then recently published book: “Travelling At The Speed of Love”. I delved into it the very next morning. She shared an exercise in “The Guilt Trip” chapter. Here’s my experience with it:

“Your Top Ten Worst Mistakes and Regrets:

In your notebook or on a separate pad, make a list of your top ten worst mistakes and regrets ever. Include everything as far back as you can remember, even the names of all the people you’ve hurt with your mistakes. Next, write down what you learned from each mistake, as well as what you would do now knowing what you know. Write down the name of the person you hurt and ask the Universe for forgiveness. Next, forgive yourself. Finally, tear up your list and throw it away. Refuse to look back or ever mention, or suffer for, these mistakes again”.

I started writing in my journal. And finished #11 in tears. As I ripped the pages into tiny shreds, I laughed out loud, for so many of these mistakes and regrets (no longer mine anymore) happened over 30 years ago! Yet I had been carrying the guilt about them all that time. What a burden to put on myself. I laughed even more when I realized that some of the people I believe I had caused hurt had long left this earth. They released and let go of everything, including what I did, whilst I was still holding on to it.

By writing the guilt trips down I acknowledged that they existed (some I had not even been able to acknowledge to myself before this). By reflecting on what I learned and what I would do from henceforth on, I recognized and accepted that I had acted as best as I could AT THE TIME, based on who I was then and what I knew. By noting what I would have done differently, I acknowledged how far I have come since those actions that I labeled mistakes. And by asking the Universe for forgiveness, and forgiving myself, I let go. I no longer needed these lesson books. I moved on to a different class. I had thrown away those texts that morning. I felt light and free!

Life is too short to spend it on guilt trips. You can come off at any time. “All” you need to do is decide that you have had enough of re-living and holding on to the particular issue. Mistakes are important: they teach us things – they are the learning aids in our personal life curriculum. Releasing mistakes allows us to move on to even bigger and better mistakes … and lessons. It allows us to move on to the more advanced courses. However, we cannot progress if we are on a guilt trip, as that keeps us reviewing the same chapter over and over.

I urge you to step up to the more advanced courses for your life. Do this exercise today. Do it as often as you need to. Do it for your family life, your relationships, your work, your leadership. Do it whenever you find yourself on the guilt trip train!