“Ah so she stay” (That is how she is)
Twice last week I found myself sharing the above Jamaican saying with my coaching clients. In each case, they had requested an urgent call with me for help on how to deal with a particularly difficult person at work. The person’s behaviour was causing great angst, to the point of one of them displaying physical symptoms of stress. On hearing the description of the behavioural history of the angst-causing person, I shared the Jamaican saying – “Ah so she stay”. You will hear us Jamaicans say it with a sense of acceptance, with little emotion or angst. It’s often accompanied by a dismissive swivel of the body and wave of the hand.
LISTEN HERE as I say it:
“Ah so she stay” harkens to a very important step in moving forward in relationships, which is about accepting other people’s actions. Many find the practice of acceptance difficult as they view it as condoning or approving of the action. It is not. Some actions are too hurtful to consider acceptance in the typical usage of the word. But what you are accepting is that the action happened. It took place. For some, a more palatable word may be “acknowledgement” which means that you notice the action, with as little emotion and judgement as possible, as if you are watching a play or a movie.
In this way, you recognise that the person’s behaviour is about them, not you, and there’s not much you can do about it in that moment. That’s where “Ah so she stay” is useful, as a way to remind oneself that she’s just that way. I find that taking this approach reduces my own angst, and allows me the space to consider and decide on my response, rather than a knee-jerk reaction, which rarely end well.
Once my clients embraced the “Ah so she stay” philosophy, we completed the sessions, with each of them charting actions to take each time they felt the person had pushed their buttons. I could feel their frustration and distress dissipating, as their mood lightened and they could see a way out. They had taken back their power.
Are there people at your workplace that display negative behaviour that upsets and frustrates you? They may be your peers, direct reports or even your boss. You have to work with them, so it behoves your to do your very best to address the situation. Here are 3 things you can do:
- Observe dispassionately. And notice the other person’s behaviour – just what you observe, not what you interpret the behaviour to be, nor the person’s intentions. And keep it brief – no need to spin a long yarn, for then it becomes YOUR story. And notice your own emotions, with no judgement. What you feel, you feel.
- Accept that you cannot change the person (remind yourself how difficult it is to change your own behaviour).
- Consider your options and decide on your response, knowing that you have total power over the way you choose to respond. At work, where there’s a job to be done, clients to serve, sales to be made and objectives to be met, it’s important that you choose a response that will enable you to do your best work, signal to the person that the behaviour is not appropriate and move the relationship to a positive footing. You are in a much better position to do this when you are in control of your emotions and have accepted the situation.
“Acceptance doesn’t mean resignation; it means understanding that something is what it is and that there’s got to be a way through it.” -Michael J. Fox
Right on spot, Marguerite.
Thank you Gillian!
Thanks so much
It just came in time as I have a friend who frustrates me no end with her decision making process which ends up costing me
The next time we meet at the Temple I will identify myself
Judith
So grateful that this helped you Judith. Thank you for taking the time to let me know. Whenever I release a blog, I always affirm “May this help others”. I look forward to meeting you at the Temple.
Gratefully and joyfully
Marguerite
This is great, sound advice for personal relationships. Thank you Marguerite. In fact, it has come in handy for me today. The workplace however ought to be a zone where professionalism self control and where work takes place….be it that we are human. My issue with ‘ah suh she stay’ in the workplace is – if whatever he or she is doing that makes other members of the team uncomfortable then, for the greater good, maybe she/he need to learn team culture or find another team.
Cheers
Donette
Dear Donette
Thanks for your comment. You are so right about inappropriate behaviour in the workplace. I am not in any way saying that “Ah suh she stay” means to put up with the behaviour. But what I have found is that accepting it, that it just is, puts you in a much better place to make a decision – which might mean a separation.
Really happy that the blog helped you today.
Gratefully and joyfully
Marguerite
Excellent advice. As in personal relationships, I also try to take it one step further; not just accept it but find humor in it. Once we get to a point where we can find humor in something that annoys us, it tends to lose all of it’s energy. Another thing that I have found helpful is calling out the negative behavior, verbally, in subtle ways ( as an example, “hey, lets focus on a positive” in the presence of someone who is always negative…or “let’s all try to be nice” in the presence of someone who is rude or insensitive). This can “sometimes” summon a little self-reflection in the guilty party.
Dear John
Yes, yes yes! Humour really helps. As I said, it’s as if you are watching a movie or a play – and make sure it’s a comedy! I like your approach as well about subtly calling out negative behaviour. Very clever. Hopefully it works but if it doesn’t, laugh (to yourself)
Gratefully and joyfully
Marguerite
“Hopefully it works but if it doesn’t, laugh (to yourself).” I often develop little nicknames for the antagonists in my life. Those too I tend keep to myself!
Love this John!!! I also do this when coaching my clients – ask them to assign nicknames – and yes, keep them secret! Life is about having fun, and being able to laugh!
Now I’m wondering what nicknames people might have for me – Miss Laughy-Laughy??? lol
Gratefully and joyfully
Marguerite