“I’m so sorry I didn’t get back to you sooner! I really enjoyed our discussion (and certainly your blogs!) though I did find another coach that seems to be a great fit for me.”
“Apologies for the delay in getting back to you. I just heard from the board. They have decided to utilise another facilitator.”
“Thank you for your response to our request for a training proposal and it was encouraging speaking with you. We have evaluated the proposals received, and while yours was good we have selected another company that we believe will best cater to our needs.”
It’s said that bad news comes in 3s … I certainly had my fill of bad news in the last 2 weeks. 3 proposals: 3 rejections. My immediate, and I must admit prolonged response was to:
- Berate myself (what’s wrong with me?)
- Question the wisdom of those to whom I had proposed (how could they not accept the best coach/facilitator – me?)
- Start worrying (there goes my revenue for September and October – what will I do now?)
After a week, yes ONE WHOLE WEEK, of this angst, I had had enough. My emotions were getting the better of me and causing lack of focus on the work in front of me, snappiness with my loved ones, and lots of comfort eating. I decided to find grace in rejection:
- I made a decision. I remembered that I had a choice between being stuck in the endless tirade in my head, or freeing myself. I chose the latter.
- I went to gratitude. In my journal, I acknowledged everything that was good and positive about this situation – people had trusted me enough to refer me; the potential clients had contacted me and spent time speaking with me; they had taken time to consider my proposal; I practiced my proposal-writing (can never get enough practice) and they took the time to respond to me (some never do). I realised I had so much to be grateful for.
- I accepted. A fellow coach pointed out to me that “You cannot lose what you don’t have.” I never had those clients, so how could I lose them? They simply asked for a proposal, I sent it and they decided on someone else. That is all. There was no rejection – just a gracious “No thank you.”
Rejection speaks to our deep human need to be accepted, liked and a part of the tribe. When we are rejected, it may cause us to question our worth and value. Psychologist Guy Winch points out that: “Rejections are the most common emotional wound we sustain in daily life.”
Leaders live in a world of rejection. “No” is received regularly in their relationships with team members, clients, customers, suppliers, bosses. If leaders get stuck at “NO”, they cannot lead effectively, for they cannot make good decisions. Their decisions will be clouded by the rejection and likely take them down the wrong path. Indeed, sometimes worse than a wrong decision is the paralysis of doing nothing, except, as I did for a week, stewing.
Dealing with “no” requires the practice of Emotional Intelligence starting with observing and being aware of one’s emotions. Then, remember my 3-step process:
- Recognise you have a choice
- Acknowledge the good in the situation
- Accept the situation just as it is
This is the path to freedom – and being an amazingly effective and joyful leader.
I have always viewed “no” as an obstacle for growth. If someone says no I ask why so I can “chew” on it to determine what I did or didn’t do that resulted in my rejection. I then use the lesson for moving forward. “No” to me then is always for readjusting my attitude, or method, whichever is necessary.
If I’m not able to ascertain the reason for the rejection, I chalk it up to space being made available for a better opportunity around the corner. I just need to be patient and not disappointed.