“I wanted a perfect ending. Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity.”
― Gilda Radner
How do we deal with the uncertainty of knowing what will happen next in this pandemic? Is it possible to even get to the point of “delicious ambiguity” as Gilda Radner posits?
I believe there is a way, based on the work done on the 6 Human Needs identified by Tony Robbins, the renowned personal development guru:
- Certainty
- Uncertainty
- Significance
- Connection
- Growth
- Contribution
Every human being has these 6 needs in varying degrees, with 1 or 2 being predominant. Understanding what your prime needs are, helps you to understand your motivation about how you act, the relationships you create and the way you live all aspects of your life. And once you understand that, you have the power to choose your focus and to change. Note that the needs themselves are not good/bad, but that we can express them in positive and/or negative ways.
But what happens to our basic needs for certainty and uncertainty when everything we have held to be true, certain and taken for granted, gets upended or demolished? Those of us with a high need for certainty, are likely finding great challenges dealing with these times. All the systems and structures they have put in place to manage this need, seem irrelevant. Feelings of being adrift, restless, without a rudder and out of control abound. There are many feeling this way now. But those who have a high need for uncertainty, who can more easily tolerate ambiguity, the unknown, and crave adventure and variety, are also having a hard time. Their tolerance limits are being tested, as the uncertainty of the environment goes way beyond anything they could have imagined.
Here’s the bad news: The uncertainty is not going away. Indeed, this is the fundamental truth – things have always, and will always be uncertain. We really don’t know what will happen from one moment to the next. And we never will. We assume we have control but that’s an illusion.
If we accept that this is the case, then how do we move ahead with living our lives to the fullest, rather than being buffeted by the uncertainty that will always come our way? How do we regain some semblance of control over our lives? I believe we can choose to make one of the other 4 needs a higher priority:
Significance:
This is the need to be recognised for your uniqueness. Have you noticed the uptick of activity on social media platforms? With physical gatherings limited, they have become more important places for us to gather, socialise and network, and to be recognised and feel relevant.
Connection:
This is the need for love and relationships. Largely confined to home, we are being forced to be physically close to those who live with us. We might be finding that they are strangers, and that we don’t like them too much. Perhaps not unrelated, it’s reported that pet adoptions are up, and that some shelters are empty, as people seek the love and companionship of a pet. Now might be a good time to do the work of creating more loving relationships. It could also be an opportunity to work on creating a loving relationship with yourself.
Growth:
The need for growth is a striving to learn more and to be better, maybe even significantly different to who we currently are. There are huge opportunities for this now, the first being that we have the time (no place to go) and the virtual space is flooded with free or very inexpensive learning options. It is an opportune time to focus on our personal and/or professional growth and development.
Contribution:
This is the need to contribute and make a difference to society, the yearning to make the world a better place and to enrich the lives of people we may not even know. If you choose to focus on this need, start with your family – find out how they are faring, and how you can help them cope. What about your team at work? After the ZOOM calls have ended, how are they really doing? Have you asked them recently, and then listened with compassion to their response? Have you given them the gift of your listening ear? What about the marginalised in your society – more than ever, they need help. How can you be the spark that gives them hope?
Focusing on contribution does not have to be massive. For example, one of the animal rescues I support in Jamaica is the Montego Bay Animal Haven. They have started a “$5.00 Friday” fundraising campaign to cover the costs of food and care for the animals they, and others, rescue. The need has heightened as the tourism industry in Jamaica is locked down. Many of the animals in resort towns would have been fed with leftovers from the hotels and restaurants, which is no longer available. $5.00 every Friday goes a long way to help these animals and heightens my own sense of making a difference, even in this small way.
There is no right or wrong mix of these human needs. Each of us has to figure out what works best. Reprioritising our needs can help us deal with our need for certainty and uncertainty, by paradoxically, giving us a feeling of control and even certainty. Control what you can.
“You can’t control the wind, but you can always control the sails”
– Tony Robbins
If you would like to know more about the 6 Human Needs, and to work on your own needs, please contact Marguerite. She is trained in the 6 Human Needs Framework as part of her Strategic Intervention Coaching certification.
If you would like to know more and/or support animal welfare in Jamaica, here’s the link to the Montego Bay Animal Haven: montegobayanimalhaven.com/about-us
