I’m noticing quite a bit more discord in the workplace nowadays. We can lay it at the feet of the pandemic, and the disruption it brought to our daily living, how we work, our relationships at home and work (in many cases the same during this time) and our mental and emotional state. As we return to the office, we bring with us the baggage of the last 2 years. We realise that there is no going “back to normal”, that the normal we want to go back to wasn’t so great after all, and that we have no idea what the new normal is. It’s unsettling, and not what we thought the “end” of the pandemic would bring. This manifests in erratic workplace dynamics as people struggle to regain their footing.
Clients are reaching out to me for help in resolving interpersonal relationship issues within their teams. Sometimes they themselves are in situations which are fraught with conflict and toxicity. Listening deeply as I help them delve into the issues, I discern a common thread in most, if not all of these cries for help: someone, or perhaps both parties, are holding on to being right.
Anyone who has ever attended Customer Service Training 101 knows the maxim:
The customer is always right.
We nod in agreement, and do our best to live this – even if we silently acknowledge the truth:
Sometimes, the customer is wrong.
These seem to be in conflict, until we come to the fundamental tenet of great customer service:
The customer must always feel that they are right.
Based on this, we go to extraordinary lengths to resolve customer issues in a way that they feel right (or at least, not wrong). The operative word is “feel” – as Maya Angelou famously stated: “People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel”, and so:
- We apologise
- We acknowledge our part, no matter how small
- We make restitution
Note that in doing so, we often create an even more delighted and loyal customer, from one who was extremely upset. And here’s what we can truly be right about: it’s a real win-win.
Yet, what happens with the people with whom we work? Are team members always right? NO. Is your boss always right? NO. Are you always right? NO. However, unlike our approach to the customer, we hold on to our rightness, determined to prove the other wrong. There can be no resolution until someone chooses to say: “I may believe I am right, but I am not going to make the other person feel wrong”.
If by now you are protesting: “Marguerite! If I am right, why should I say I am wrong?”, answer this simple question:
Which do you prefer – being right or happy?
If you choose being right, know that there will be minimal opportunities for resolution. But if you choose to be happy, a world of possibilities open.
How do you go about giving up being right (even if you believe you are)?
- Be clear on your objective – do you want to heal the relationship, create harmony in the workplace, improve collaboration, bring yourself peace of mind and just get the work you are paid to do, done?
- Remind yourself – it’s not about you. Be of the mindset of win-win rather than “I win so you lose”.
- Be mindful of your communication – you don’t have to say you are wrong, although you can certainly do so. If you sincerely believe you are right, you can open the way to win-win by saying, for example: “You know, you have a point. Let’s explore this.”
And then engage in deep listening, always open, remembering what your ultimate endgame is. And that you might learn something – even that you may have been wrong!
Now, there may be times when you are right – a team member steals or defrauds the organization for example. That is wrong, and there is no need to make the person feel right. Refer to my first point above – your objective here is to protect the organization. Therefore, what’s important to resolve this issue is to take action in line with the values, policies and procedures of the organization.
If you are observing discord between members of your team, ask yourself if someone is locked in their position of being right. If you are experiencing discord with someone, turn the camera on yourself, and ask what you might be holding on to as being right. Then choose: being right or being happy.
